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Carly awoke with a start.
The dream was a familiar one. She was trapped
in a maze, and the walls were gray
and featureless. Even though there were
no markings, she had the odd sensation
that she was running in circles.
She didn't want to stop and find
out though, she couldn't stop, she had to
keep running, or she'd never get
away. From what, she didn't know, and it
didn't help that she didn't know
where 'away' was, but she just kept
running.
Kept running, that is, until she'd
wake up in a cold sweat, disoriented and
scared. The dream had been
coming more often lately. Every day she'd wake
up with a bigger knot in her stomach.
Some mornings it was so bad that she
couldn't eat breakfast. She'd
just push the food around on her plate, and
when the orderly came, she'd make
up some story about how she was waiting
to get a hot dog from the vendor
when she took Michael to the zoo. Then
she'd look lovingly at her pillow
and ask it if it was excited to see all
the animals. Then, when the
tray and the orderly were gone, she'd fall
onto the bed and scream into the
pillow until she'd given herself so awful
of a headache that she could forget
the aching feeling in the pit of her
stomach.
Carly knew it wasn't healthy.
She knew she was losing weight, and that she
must look awful. Although,
how would she know? She could no more make out
a decent reflection in that dull
metal thing they bolted to the wall and
called a "mirror", than fly.
After all, she was a nut job, and they
wouldn't actually put anything
in that room that she could break and use to
be a "threat to her safety or the
safety of those around her". Whatever
that meant. She couldn't
honestly think of one person in Port Charles who
didn't fit that description (in
one interpretation or another). So, for
now she'd just have to make due
with this aged piece of industrial strength
stainless steel. She didn't
even recognize the person that looked back at
her.
"I used to be pretty," she thought.
Caroline used to spend hours in front
of the mirror when she was a teenager.
She was a good looking girl. Not
in the typical sense, but she had
very striking looks, and she knew it.
She knew just what to do to play
up her features, and just how to act to
get the desired response from men.
She wasn't good at a lot of things, but
this was one thing she was good
at. Really good. It was a nice feeling to
be noticed, to be pretty, to be
desired. Beyond that, she didn't analyze
it much. She didn't really
want to know. Now, though, she looked at her
reflection, and only saw a shadow
of what she used to be. Her hair was
flat, dull and pulled back in a
messy knot at the back of her head. Her
cheeks were hollow and under her
eyes were large dark circles. Even so,
she was always able to chalk it
up the the poorly lighted room and the
stained steel "mirror".
At her most unguarded moments, though,
she knew she was fading away in
here. She'd always been strong,
she'd always been a survivor, but she also
knew that everyone has their limits.
She used to be vibrant, alive, fiery,
passionate. Now, she was
sullen, bitter, and just plain scared to death.
Every day she'd wait, hoping that
she'd get a letter from Jason. Common
sense told Carly that they must
be holding her mail, but during the darkest
parts of the night when she couldn't
sleep, doubt would creep in and she'd
wonder whether he even remembered
her. After all, his life was just about
perfect. He had Robin and
Michael, the perfect little family, just the
three of them. It would be
so easy for him to just let the Quartermaines
play with the judges and keep her
shut away in here forever. She'd been
far more trouble than she was probably
worth already, anyway.
He was so mad the last time she'd
seen him. When she'd botched everything
he'd worked so hard for....just
for her. She'd seen him mad before -- the
night that Sonny was drugged and
he came to her, the day those men had
tried to attack her in the alley
outside of Jake's. That was the anger she
saw in his eyes the day they took
her to Ferncliff. Before, though, it was
never directed at her. That
was the last thing she saw before she left,
and that was the image that stayed
with her, since she wasn't allowed
visitors. "Don't give up
on me," she had pleaded, "Don't give up on me,
Jason...."
--
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
--
Jason looked at the ground, wondering
how it was he got here. He couldn't
remember planning on coming here,
he just got on his bike and drove, and
somehow it was here that he ended
up. It seemed like ages since he had
ridden his bike, just to ride.
He used to ride because it made him feel
free...the wind in his face, completely
exposed to the night air. It was
such a rush -- no worries, no responsibilities.
When he had taken the job
with Sonny, it had been for the
same reason. It was a rush, the danger,
the uncertainty. "At
what point did that change?" Jason wondered. "The
thrill used to be in that it didn't
matter if I lived or died. One day to
the next, moment to moment.
What happened?" But he knew what happened.
He met a girl. Not just any
girl, an angel. His angel. Out of the blue
she walked into his world, and
together they taught each other how to love.
And then he met another girl.
Absolutely nothing like the first. She was
defiant yet eager to please, reckless
yet incredibly guarded, smooth as
silk and tough as nails.
In a heartbeat, she could make up a lie more
convincing than any he'd ever heard,
but there was a frankness and a
straightforward manner about her
that was refreshing. She projected a air
of confidence, yet he'd seen this
intense vulnerability in her that was as
real as anything else he knew.
She was one big walking contradiction, and
trying to figure her out just gave
him a headache, so he stopped trying.
He just let her be, and listened,
and was her friend. In return, she'd
opened herself up to him, and given
him something so incredible, a joy he
never knew existed. She'd
given him a chance to be a part of a miracle, a
miracle named Michael. He
loved Robin, Carly was his friend, and Michael
was his miracle. Robin had
taught him how to live, and Carly had taught
him how to enjoy it.
And in a matter of seconds he almost
lost it all. He made a choice a long
time ago to live this lifestyle,
but so much had changed since then. Now
it mattered if he lived.
Now he had to make sure he was safe. Now he had
to make sure other people were
safe, too, and it was hard. Very hard. He
thought he could juggle everything,
but every day something else slipped.
One month ago, he'd let too much
slip, and he'd almost lost everything.
He'd been pretending since then
that everything was under control. But it
wasn't. It was a lie.
That was another thing Carly had taught him -- how
to make it look like "life as usual"
when your world was falling apart
around you. He wondered if
the act looked as much like a sham to everyone
else as it looked to him.
The people that walked by into Luke's,
couldn't help but wonder about the
man in the corner of the parking
lot, just staring at the ground,
motionless and completely expressionless.
--
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
--
Sonny looked out at the water.
The view from his room was incredible, the
moonlight reflecting on the water,
the tide breaking against the rock
pilings near the pier. He
could feel the cool breeze from his place on the
balcony. He could smell the
nearing rain, and he could hear the guests'
light laughter waft up through
the cool air. But his mind was miles away.
He'd heard of the explosion.
Jason had called him, but hadn't said much.
Sonny figured that Jason thought
it would bring back too many bad memories.
He was probably right, it did.
Thoughts of Lily and his baby, thoughts of
Brenda and the life he used to
have. He'd left town because he thought it
was better for everyone.
Everyone but him. He had convinced himself that
he wasn't running away. But
he was. He was empty and alone now, and he
hated it. Why was this life
so much better than the one he had left
behind? They were both prisons
in their own sense. He had almost wished
that Jason had asked him to come
back, told him that he couldn't handle
things alone. Sonny would
have come. In a heartbeat. But Jason would
never ask that, he was too proud,
and he loved Sonny too much to put him in
a position that would make him
uncomfortable. "Well," Sonny thought, if
he's not going ask, maybe it's
up to me. Or maybe this is my penance..."
--
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn
--
Jason could see the scene replay
in his mind...Robin waving...the
dress...the shoes....the smile.
It was that instant he felt it, like a
warning from beyond. Without
a second thought, he had run to her. And she
was safe, this time. This
time. Unfortunately, Renaldo wasn't so lucky.
Telling his sister was hard.
He imagined what it would be like if someone
ever had to call Robin and tell
her that he was dead. Even worse, what
would it be like if someone ever
called to tell him that Robin was dead.
Or that Michael was gone.
Jason had never thought much about
death before. It was just something
that happened. When you die,
you die. Dwelling on it before hand wasn't
going to change anything when it
came. You couldn't ever know what it was
really like, so why give yourself
a headache trying to figure it out. Now,
though, he couldn't help but think
about it. Not so much his death, but
Robin's or Michael's or Carly's
or Sonny's and what he'd ever do if it
happened. Or what they would
do if he died. In the 2 years since his
accident, he'd learned to love,
yes, but he'd also learned to fear. "Is
that how it works?" Jason
wondered, "You can't get one without the other?"
And briefly he wondered if it was
worth it.
That was when he caught himself,
though. "Damnit," he yelled and quickly
he slammed his fist into the wall
to snap himself back to reality. "I
can't do this," he thought.
"I can't let this eat me alive. There are too
many things left to do. I
have to keep going, I can't give up now. If I
give up, they win. I can't
let them beat me." He didn't really know who
'they' was, and he didn't really
care. As he hopped back on his bike and
rode off, he knew what he had to
do.
--
So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish
pride
--
Carly sighed as she looked at the
picture of Jason and Michael. She
didn't look at it very often anymore.
She didn't need to, she had them in
her head. After Michael was
kidnapped, and she worried that she was
forgetting him, she made sure she
always had a picture of Michael in her
mind. It was the last picture
in her mind as she fell asleep, and the
first one on her mind when she
woke up, unless it was one of those days
when she had that dream...
Carly hated that dream, more than
any dream she'd ever had, and she'd had a
lot of them. She used to
have nightmares all the time when she was a girl.
But then, the monster was always
tangible. Aliens under her bed, bullies
at school, gangs on the corner.
She could fight those dreams, because she
could see the monsters. She
could turn on the lights and fight back. This
one was different, though.
For the first time in her life, she was
completely alone.
Alone, except for the knot in her stomach that grew a
little bigger every day, as she
feared that Michael was one day closer to
calling Robin "mama". Her
little man, her angel, her salvation. Growing
up and growing away from her, while
she rotted in this hell. It made her
angry, it made her furious.
And other times, it just made her sad.
This night was one of those.
She had cried herself to sleep every night
since she'd been to Ferncliff.
After years of chastisement from Virginia
(Really now, Caroline. Don't
you want to be a lady? Ladies don't cry,
except at weddings and funerals.
Don't you know that emotion shows a lack
of refinement?) she'd perfected
the art of silent crying when necessary.
Noiseless and motionless, the casual
observer would have never known her
heart was breaking. "Just
one more thing I never thanked Virginia for,"
Carly used to think sarcastically.
Lately, though, she was just too tired
for sarcasm.
Lately she was too tired for a lot
of things. Too tired for dreams, too
tired for wishes, too tired now
even for hope. Carly was beginning to give
up hope that she'd ever get out.
She'd made too many mistakes this time,
too many lapses in judgment.
Now, she was stuck in a loony bin, pretending
her pillow was Michael (a little
less every day now, though, after all, she
couldn't be a nut case forever)
and waiting....and anyone that knew Carly
knew that waiting was not her strong
suit. Especially in here. No
windows, no sun, no visitors, good-enough-for-government-work
gray walls
and herself. Alone.
Tonight was the worst night yet.
The dream was so real, and she was so
afraid. She didn't know what
else to do. So she did something that she'd
only done one other time in her
life, the day her best friend died, she
fell to her knees and she prayed.
"God, I don't know if you're up
there, or if you even listen to people like
me," she whispered, sobbing, "I
know I've made a lot of mistakes, and I've
hurt a lot of people, but I want
to change. I want to be better. You see,
I have a little boy who needs me....well,
maybe he doesn't really need me,
but I need him. He's the
only thing I've ever done right in this whole
world. And you know what,
he's perfect. I love him. I never really knew
what that was until him.
I mean, I thought I knew, but it wasn't real.
He's real. I know he's real.
"Like I said, I don't know if you
can hear me from here, and I know I
haven't done anything to deserve
it, but I'd really love a second chance.
Just to make things right, you
know? There are some mistakes you make that
you can't ever fix, and I've made
a lot of them. But, I'd like a chance to
try and fix this. Please,
God, if you could just answer this one prayer,
I'd do anything...."
And then, because her face was wet
with tears, and she could hardly speak
from sobbing, she stopped.
"I don't know if prayers can make it through
steel-reinforced concrete walls,
but I really hope someone's listening."
But then the doubt would come, and
she wondered if this prison she'd
created was too strong to let in
second chances. Still, she held on tight
to the picture of Jason and Michael
as she fell asleep, and the dream
didn't come again. Just before
she fell asleep, she kissed Michael's
picture, and she whispered, "I
won't give up, baby. I may be rotting away
in here, but for you I'll hang
on. No matter how long it takes, I'll never
give up on you. Please don't
give up on me."
--
We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I've created my own prison
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