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"Mom! I'm home, where are you?" Lucas yelled as he raced in the door.
"I'm in the bedroom Lucas.
For heaven's sake, stop yelling and shut the
front door!"
"Mom, can we go a see Thunder?
You said we could go see him today after
school since it's Friday and I
won't have to do my homework."
"Sorry sweetie, we can't go today--"
"But mom," Lucas interrupted, "You *promised*!"
"I know I promised, but I got a
call today, and they're going to start
allowing Carly to have visitors
now, but only family. I think she'd really
need me to be there." Bobbie
hoped Lucas didn't notice how nervous she
was. She couldn't even imagine
why she was so nervous. It was Carly after
all. After everything that
had happened, nervous wasn't what she expected
to be feeling. Mad, maybe.
Hurt, definitely. Nervous, no.
"Is she coming home?" Lucas asked hopeful.
"No, not yet. You know how
I said that Jason's working on that? Well he
still is, we just have to wait
a little bit longer. It's a long drive up
there and back, so we can't go
see Thunder today, but we'll go later.
Tomorrow maybe."
"Can I go with you?"
"No Lucas, not this time.
I know Carly would love to see you, but I don't
think this is really a place for
children. I'll tell her you said 'hi'
though."
"OK Mom. Tell her about Thunder,
and that maybe she can see him when she
gets back."
"I'm sure she'd love that, honey.
Betty was busy tonight, so you're going
to have to stay over at Aunt Laura's.
Pack up an overnight bag and I'll
drop you off."
--
With every waking breath I breathe
I see what life has dealt to me
With every sadness I deny
I feel a chance inside me die
--
Carly lay in bed staring at the
ceiling. It was too early to be in bed,
but she didn't have anything else
to do. Besides, she was in her pajamas,
and bed seemed like an appropriate
place to be when you had pajamas on.
Never mind that she hadn't ever
changed out of her pajamas. She knew she
was treading dangerous ground with
this, since she was now officially
"weaned" off of her pillow, and
trying to convince the doctors that she was
regaining her mental stability.
No doubt they would see this as
a negative development, but she just
couldn't force herself to get up
this morning. She just felt depressed,
and couldn't muster up the strength
to put on some nice front for the
doctors. So she told them
she thought she was coming down with a touch of
the flu, and even made herself
throw up around lunchtime to make it look
convincing. They seemed to
buy it, so she decided to wallow in her
self-pity while she could.
After all, this particular little act could
only work once before they started
to worry. Or get suspicious.
A week ago, she'd hit bottom.
She'd come closer than she ever had to
giving up. But, when she'd
fallen asleep with the picture of Michael in
her arms, she felt peace.
When she woke in the morning, she'd decided that
she wasn't going to give up.
She started eating every meal, whether she
felt like it or not. She'd
even started exercising -- situps, pushups,
whatever she could do with the
limited resources in her room -- to keep her
mind occupied. But, the days
passed and nothing changed, and she felt that
old familiar feeling creep back
over her, until soon she was right back to
where she started.
There was a knock on the door, which
startled Carly out of her
self-depreciating moment.
"What is it?" She sniped. "I thought I told you
I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't
be needing dinner! Don't you people
ever listen--"
"Ms. Benson," the orderly continued,
either oblivious to Carly's rotten
mood, or just plain didn't care,
"You have a visitor."
Carly just stared at the orderly,
and felt her stomach turn over. "Could
it be..." she thought....
--
Give me a taste of something new
To touch, to hold, to pull me through
Send me a guiding light that shines
Across this darkened life of mine
--
"Benny, I can't today! I have
other things to do!" Jason yelled into the
phone. "You have my permission
to do whatever you need to do, I just can't
be bothered with it today.
I'll have my cell phone with me, but DON'T call
unless it's an absolute emergency!"
With that, Jason slammed down the
phone. Things weren't going
the way he had planned with Moreno, but that
would have to wait until later.
Right now, his first priority was getting
Carly home. An opportunity
had opened up, and he had to take it, now.
"Is everything alright?" Robin asked as she came down the stairs.
"I guess. Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure, anything."
"Leticia's here, but could you stick around here and watch Michael for me?"
"For how long?" Robin looked worried.
"The rest of the day, probably. I'm going to get Carly."
Robin was relieved that he wasn't
going out on business, but that wasn't
much better. "What do you
mean? I ran into Bobbie at the hospital
earlier, and she said that they
were allowing Carly visitors now, but just
family. Jason, they won't
let you in."
"Yes, they will--"
"But how can you be sure? That's a long trip, what if they don't?"
"But they will, because I'm going
to have a court order for her release.
Justus is down at the courthouse,
now."
"Isn't that a little sudden? I mean, they're just allowing her visitors..."
"Robin, she's not really crazy."
"I know, but don't you at least have to make it *look* real?"
"It doesn't matter anymore.
A space opened up with a judge who I have a
connection with. If Justus'
insanity plea goes through, and the judge
signs off on it, Carly's out.
A doctor at Ferncliff was willing to make a
statement that Carly was stable
enough for release."
"Well then, that's good, right?"
Robin couldn't help but be a little
disappointed. She knew Michael
needed his mother, but a little part of her
thought that Carly wasn't the best
influence to have around a child. But,
she knew how important that this
was to Jason, and if that's what he
wanted, then that's what she wanted,
too.
"Of course it's good! What's the matter, Robin?"
"Nothing. It's just, don't
you think it will be a little odd around here?
I mean, don't you think it's a
little crowded?
"No. There's plenty of rooms
here, and besides, she'd Michael's mother.
How is that weird?"
Robin laughed and shook her head. "I guess it isn't. You should be going."
"I'll be back tomorrow. Tell
goodnight to Michael for me, and tell him
Carly will be back tomorrow."
"I love you, Jason."
"I love you too."
--
Breathe some soul in me
Breathe your gift of love to me
Breathe your life to lay 'fore
be
Breathe to make me breathe
--
Carly was startled to see Bobbie
walk through the door. Bobbie noticed the
hesitation. "Sorry I'm not
Jason," she said lightly, hoping to cover her
anxiety with a joke. "But,
they're only allowing family at the moment, and
I thought you'd be happy for the
company."
"Oh Bobbie, of course I'm happy,
just surprised, that's all. I didn't know
I was even allowed visitors at
all."
"Well, they just called me today--"
"And you came? Just like that?"
"Why wouldn't I?" Bobbie sensed
this was not a conversation that either
wanted to get into at the moment,
so she tried to change the subject.
"Besides, Dr. Peters thought it
might be a nice surprise. He seems nice."
Bobbie didn't really know what
to say. Carly looked awful -- thin and
lifeless. Her maternal instinct
wanted to pull Carly into her arms and
say, "Mama's here, everything's
going to be better now," like she used to
imagine all those years when she'd
think about her little girl. But, she
didn't think Carly would
be too keen on the idea. Their relationship
still was a little strained, and
she didn't want to push it.
"I guess," Carly replied, breaking
Bobbie out of her reverie and reminding
her that she had asked a question,
"for a shrink."
Bobbie laughed involuntarily at
the statement. "You sound like Luke!" She
continued without thinking.
"Should I be excited?" Carly asked
sarcastically. Bobbie noticed Carly
stiffen, and figured that probably
wasn't the best thing to have said. She
knew Luke and Carly were on shaky
ground where each other were concerned.
Although, Bobbie hated walking
on eggshells around Carly, always trying not
to say something that would set
her off.
Carly immediately felt bad for sniping
at Bobbie. After all, she was the
first real person she'd had to
talk to in months. And not just any real
person, this was her mother.
And she'd come. On the first day, just
because she thought Carly would
like it.
Carly wanted more than anything
for her mother to take her in her arms and
tell her that everything was going
to be OK. She wanted to be able to cry
on her shoulder and tell her how
awful life was in here, and how scared she
was. But, she knew that she
and Bobbie weren't exactly to the soul-bearing
point in their relationship.
She'd begged for love her whole life, and
this was one time she was not going
to do that to herself. If Bobbie
wanted a relationship with her,
it had to be her move. Carly had already
done too many awful things to expect
more than that. So, for now she'd
just have to wait until Bobbie
was ready. If that ever happened.
She realized that Bobbie wasn't
saying anything, so Carly continued, hoping
to be able to smooth things over.
"I, I just meant that he's better than
the one before, but having to talk
to any of these people is not exactly my
idea of a good time." Actually,
she liked Dr. Peters. She'd only been
transferred to him a couple weeks
ago, and he wasn't like the others. He
actually seemed genuine when he'd
ask questions, and then really listened
to her answers. Sometimes
she got the feeling he had figured out that she
had been faking. Luckily,
though, she'd only had to see him near the end,
so she didn't have to worry too
much about him blowing her act. Sometimes,
just for a second, she'd get the
feeling that he even *liked* her -- a
glint in his eye, or a slight smile
would creep over his face. But, it was
just a second, and Carly would
just write it off as him being very good at
his job. After all, the goal
was for the patients to trust their doctor.
"So, how's Michael?" Carly
asked suddenly, hoping to start the
conversation over again on a more
positive note.
"He's great. Jason is great
with him, and he really seems to like Robin,
which I guess is a good thing--"
Bobbie had forgotten herself for a moment.
"Robin?! What does Robin have
to do with anything?!!" Carly was quickly
becoming upset.
Bobbie hesitated, but decided that
the truth was the best step here.
"Carly, Robin is living at the
penthouse. I guess I just forgot that you
didn't know that. Jason said
he explained it all in a letter, but he
thought they were holding your
mail. I'm sorry--"
Carly was trying desperately to
control herself, and failing miserably.
"When exactly did this happen?!"
"Soon after they brought you here."
Carly laughed bitterly, "How convenient."
"Carly--" Bobbie saw where this was going.
"No. First, she get's back
with Jason as soon as I'm arrested. Then, as
soon as it seems I'm going to be
locked away for a little longer than
expected, she moves in?!
Suddenly I'm out of the picture, and St. Robin
can step in and take over?
Since I *obviously* wasn't doing it right in
the first place--"
"Carly! Calm down. Robin
is NOT trying to take over your life, and Jason
is doing everything he can to get
you out of here."
"Yeah, right. I've heard that one before."
"Carly," Bobbie scolded. She
knew Carly was a grown up, but sometimes she
felt like she was talking to someone
Lucas' age. Under the circumstances,
though, she let it slide.
She knew what it was like to hit bottom, and she
could tell that if Carly wasn't
there yet, she was dangerously close.
Before she could continue, though,
the door opened, and the orderly
interrupted. "Visiting hours
are over."
Carly looked pleadingly at him. "Just a few more minutes, please?"
"I can't," he said. "We've
already let your mother stay a little longer.
I'm sorry. You're going to
have to leave, Ms. Spencer."
"That's OK," she said to the orderly,
and then turned to Carly. "I'll see
you again soon, I promise.
Carly, hang on. It'll be over soon." And then
she turned to leave.
"Bobbie?" Carly stopped her before the door could close behind her.
"Yes?"
"Thanks for coming."
Bobbie just smiled as the door shut behind her.
--
For every man who built a home
A paper promise for his own
He fights against an open flow
Of lies and failures we all know
--
For the second time that evening,
Carly was interrupted from her self-pity.
She could hear a commotion outside
of her door, but couldn't make out
voices. And then, above the
rest she could hear, "I'm sorry, mister, but
you can't go in there," Then
the door opened, and Jason walked in.
"Jason? What are you doing
here?" She had been practicing how she was
going to react when he was finally
allowed to come. She was going to lay
into him about Robin being around
Michael. She was furious about that, but
somehow, now that he was here,
she couldn't stay mad. She wanted to run up
to him and hug him, but she held
back. "I mean, I didn't even know I was
allowed visitors, and then Bobbie
came, but she said it was just family..."
"Bobbie was here?"
"Yeah, you just missed her."
"Oh, that's too bad. I wanted
to talk to her, and I couldn't get a hold of
her earlier."
"What did you want to talk to her
about?" Something about this visit made
her nervous. It wasn't like
Jason to just pop in.
"Oh not much," Jason tried to sound
nonchalant, but seeing her eyes light
up when he came in made it really
hard to pull this off without smiling.
"I just wanted to see if she wanted
to be there when you got home
tomorrow..."
"Well, you just mis--" Suddenly
the color drained from Carly's face.
"Could you repeat that? Did
you say 'home' and 'tomorrow' in the same
sentence?"
Jason couldn't help it, and he just
smiled. "Do you think you could handle
it?"
"This is some kind of sick joke,
right?" She was still in shock. "You're
just pulling my chain because you've
developed some kind of twisted sense
of humor, right?"
Jason looked momentarily confused
at the reference, until he realized what
she meant by 'pulling my chain'.
"No."
"I, I don't know what to say..."
"Well, that's got to be a first," Jason laughed.
"You're really getting me out of here?"
"Yeah. I've got your release
forms right here, freshly signed by Dr. David
Peters. Tomorrow morning,
you'll be on your way home."
"Oh, Jason, can't we leave now?!"
"It's late. Too late to start tonight--"
"Like I'm going to be able to sleep!"
"Well, they can't do discharges
until the director gets here in the
morning, so you'll just have to
wait. I have to go now, but I'll see you
in the morning." As he walked
out, he turned and smiled.
Carly just nodded, and blew him
a kiss. She thought she saw him wink as
the door shut behind him.
--
To those who have and who have
not
How can you live with what you've
got
Give me a touch of something sure
I could be happy ever more
--
The ride home was fairly subdued.
Jason wasn't one for idle conversation,
and Carly was far too anxious about
seeing Michael. Most of the trip she
would just stare out the window,
eyes fixed to the passing landscape, but
not registering any of it.
Her mind was racing. Thoughts of Michael,
Jason, Robin, Bobbie, Lucas, Tony,
etc. were tumbling around in there, and
she was making herself sick wondering
every imaginable "what if?". When
Jason had told her she was going
home, she was so excited. Now, though, as
they grew closer and closer to
Port Charles, she wondered if this was the
right thing.
Jason was lost in thoughts of his
own. Not the same thoughts, though, as
it didn't really occur to him that
she would be nervous. Most of his
thoughts were on the organization,
and what his next move would be. He had
retaliated after the bombing, and
now things were on the brink of an
all-out mob war. He used
to think he could handle anything. Now he wasn't
so sure.
In between thoughts, he did notice,
however, what he had noticed when he
first walked into her room last
night. She didn't look well. She had lost
weight, and her face looked hollow.
It made him a little nervous, too, as
he realized that she hadn't said
anything since she'd gotten in the limo.
That certainly wasn't like her.
He'd heard stories about institutions, and
some of the things that have been
rumored to go on behind closed doors.
"How did they treat you?"
He asked suddenly.
"Pardon?" Carly was startled out of her thoughts by Jason's voice.
"In there. Did they treat you well?"
Carly's mouth twisted in a characteristic
wry smile. "As well as could be
expected."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, I don't know. What exactly
is it that you want to know? Did they
hurt me? Did they tie me
to the bed posts and beat me? Did they take
advantage of me? What, Jason?"
Jason was getting frustrated with
this characteristic little exchange, how
she never gives a straight answer,
and his jaw tightened. Carly noticed,
and immediately felt bad for lashing
out at him, but she couldn't help it.
She didn't feel like making polite
small talk, and she sure as hell wasn't
going to apologize for that after
the last few months. She'd spent half
her life apologizing for something
or other, and she was pretty sick of
"I'm sorry", so she just forged
ahead.
"No, Jason, they didn't. They
brought me meals three times a day. An hour
later they'd take the tray away.
Every morning I'd see the doctor. He'd
ask me a bunch of BS questions
about this and that and spout back a bunch
of psychobabble. Every afternoon
they'd walk me down the hall to the
lounge for my hour of supervised
leisure time. You know, TV, ping pong,
shuffleboard. Most of the
time, though, I'd just sit in the corner, look
lovingly at my pillow and pretend
Michael and I were spending the afternoon
at the park. Then, I'd wait
for the doctors to come in and encourage me to
socialize. Socialize, Jason.
Remember, though, that this is a nut house,
and not just *any* nuthouse, but
a full fledged high security nuthouse.
And they wanted me to *socialize*."
Carly laughed at the thought. "Other
than that, they pretty much left
me alone. Alone, Jason. Just me and the
rubber room. No windows,
no pictures, no distinguishing features. Four
gray walls, a bed, a john, and
a desk. So, yes, Jason, as well as could be
expected."
"Are you finished?" Jason asked flatly.
"Yes, actually, I am." Carly
matched his tone, and turned back to the
window to resume her intense scrutiny
of the roadside and the occasional
billboard. Again, the limo
was silent.
A while later, it was Carly who spoke first. "Are you mad at me?"
Jason looked confused. "Well,
you're a little uptight, and you haven't
lost your tendency to run off at
the mouth, but I don't see why you would
think that would make me mad at
you--"
"That's not what I mean--"
"You mean about this whole 'crazy'
thing? Why? You kept Michael from
seeing his mom, and you kept yourself
locked away in, as you so eloquently
put it, a 'nuthouse'. You
didn't do anything to me. Why would I be mad at
you?"
"When you left me last time, before
they took me away, you were mad.
Really mad. In the whole
time I've known you, I've only seen you that mad
a couple times."
"I was mad. Mad that you couldn't
see Michael. Mad that I was going to get
you out and you messed it up.
But I wasn't mad at you."
Carly just laughed and shook her head. "Jason, that's the same thing."
"No it isn't. I was mad that
it happened. I was angry with you, but I
wasn't mad *at* you. Besides,
you're going home, so what does it matter
now? It's over."
"That's it? It doesn't matter?"
Again Jason looked confused. "Yeah. Is it supposed to matter?"
"No, I guess not," Carly laughed
again. "I just wish I could live inside
your head for even a day.
Things are either one way, or they're not.
Black or white."
"Aren't they? Why make things into more trouble that they are?"
"I don't know. Sometimes they
just *are*." Carly said halfheartedly as
she noticed the limo driving past
a large sign "ENTERING PORT CHARLES CITY
LIMITS".
Jason looked over at her, and he
realized she was nervous about seeing
Michael. Without thinking,
he put his arm around her shoulder and gave her
a reassuring squeeze. The
action surprised Carly, but she didn't pull away.
--
Breathe some soul in me
Breathe your gift of love to me
Breathe your life to lay 'fore
me
Breathe to make me breathe
Breathe your honesty to me
Breathe your innocence to me
Breathe your word and set me free
Breathe to make me breathe
--
Johnny opened the penthouse door
as Carly and Jason stepped out of the
elevator. "Welcome home,
Ms. Benson," Johnny said with a smile.
"Thank you, Johnny." She briefly
wondered where Renaldo was, and why he
wasn't at his usual post by the
door, but figured it probably wasn't
important, and she'd just ask about
it later.
"Are you ready?" Jason asked.
Carly nodded mutely and took a deep breath
before walking through the door.
She'd imagined it a hundred times,
but wasn't really prepared for what she
saw. There was Robin, Michael
in her arms. Carly felt like she'd been
kicked in the stomach. Fighting
back the tears, she was about to make some
nasty remark, as Michael turned
his head in her direction and smiled.
That was more than she could handle.
The tears started falling, and she
forget every other thought but
"he remembers me". As she walked over to
him, he reached his little arms
out, and she scooped him up and held him
close. She rocked him back
and forth, and cried. As he looked up at her
face, she looked at him through
teary eyes and said "Michael, baby, mama's
home".
--
This life prepares the strangest
things
The dreams we dream of, what life
brings
The highest highs can turn around
To sow love's seeds on stony ground
--
Carly was holding Michael, staring
out the window of the penthouse.
Michael had fallen asleep, but
she didn't want to put him down. "You
know," she said as she heard Jason
come down the stairs, "I never really
understood your fascination with
this window until today. I haven't looked
out a window for so long.
It felt like I was trapped away from
reality...closed off from the world.
I've pinched myself so many times
today. It all seems like
a dream. But it isn't, is it?"
"No, not a dream," although very
much like a nightmare lately, he added
silently.
Carly sensed his distance. "Jason?"
"Yes?"
"Something's happened, hasn't it?"
Jason didn't answer, and she knew she
was right. "Renaldo wasn't
at the door today..." she trailed off, because
she had a feeling that she knew
what he was going to say.
"Renaldo's dead, Carly."
She knew that was coming, but she
felt her breath catch anyway. Sometimes
Jason put things a little more
bluntly than she felt comfortable with.
"How? Or can I ask?"
"Car bomb in the limo. Outside of Luke's."
"Jason, I--" she started
"We should have been more careful.
I knew the risks...." His voice trailed
off.
"Jason, hush. I'm not going
to sit here and tell you that it's not your
fault and that you did everything
you could. You wouldn't believe me if I
did. You've never lied to
me Jason. You've never told me things were
going to be OK when you knew they
weren't. Hell, sometimes I wished you
would have, but that's a whole
other story. I appreciate your frankness,
so I'm going to do the same for
you. Even so, let me give you some advice.
You can't let this eat you up inside.
Maybe you could have done things
differently, and maybe Renaldo
is dead because you were careless, no,
because you were BOTH careless.
But, you have to move on. If you dwell on
this for too long, you'll start
to question everything you ever knew, or
ever thought you knew. You
start to hate yourself, and you stop caring.
You'll rot away inside, if you
don't have something to hang on to."
Carly was staring blankly out the
window, and Jason knew she wasn't talking
about him anymore. He didn't
really know how to respond to that, so he
didn't.
"You've given me more than I ever
expected, Jason," she continued, "More
than I probably even deserve.
I know you don't think I owe you anything,
but I do. You know I'd do
anything for you. If you ever need anything...I
mean, I don't know what I could
do, but I'd do it, in a heartbeat."
Jason looked at her, and he knew
she was telling the truth. He wanted to
tell her that he wouldn't ask her
to do that. But for some reason, he
couldn't. And because he
couldn't think of anything else to do, he put his
arm around her for the second time
that day. And for the second time that
day, she didn't pull away.
Silently, Robin watched the whole
exchange from the stairway. She knew
Jason loved her, she had no reason
to doubt that. But, she couldn't help
but feel a pang of jealousy deep
in her stomach at the nice little family
picture standing in front of the
window.
--
Breathe....Breathe....