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Jason opened his eyes, catching Carly’s eyes on him before
she quickly
turned her head away. He watched her watch the
other people in the
park. He didn’t know much about things, but Carly
was the first person
he didn’t feel like a complete idiot with. She
explained things as
though it was the most exciting thing to know.
It made him want to
learn more. Everything she did was exactly what
she wanted to be doing
at that very moment. Everything she ate was the
best food in the world.
Carly had an enthusiasm for life he just hadn’t seen
in anyone else.
She didn’t judge him, at least not out loud. She
knew she wasn’t
perfect and didn’t expect him to be either. There
was little doubt
about it, Jason found himself liking to spend time with
this girl, and
certainly wouldn’t mind if she was the only person he
had to spend time
with.
They sat in silence a while more, each occupied with their
own thoughts.
When Carly audibly sighed, it brought Jason out of his
revere. “What?”
he asked, wondering what had made her do that.
Carly didn’t answer for a while, and Jason’ wondered if
she’d heard him.
Finally, she pointed to the old couple, who were now
on a bench, still
holding hands, feeding the pigeons. "They are so
sweet," she said,
smiling. Her voice turned wistful. "It must
be nice to be so in love."
Jason made a face. Love. There was that word
again. The only thing
he'd seen that was somehow defined as love was the way
the Quartermaines
treated him in the hospital and the few days he'd been
able to spend at
the mansion. If that was indeed love, he wanted
no part of it.
Carly looked at him, clearly confused by his reaction
to the sweet old
couple. "Oh come on," she said, tossing her head
back and gazing at
him. "I know you're not devoid of emotion even
if you don't understand
them. You *have* to know that is sweet."
Without waiting for an
answer, she stood up, holding her hands out in a gesture
to help him up.
Jason looked up at her, and reluctantly held his hands
out and let her
pull him up. He wondered what she had up her sleeve.
He knew enough
about her to know at least she'd think it was fun.
He supposed that
made it fun for him too. When Carly started walking,
he followed her.
She held her hand out, and Jason put his hand in hers.
Carly
intertwined her fingers through his and leaned toward
him as they
walked, crossing her other hand over her body and slipping
it into the
crook made by his elbow. They walked this way,
past the old couple and
through the park. Jason had no idea what she was
trying to teach him,
but didn't care. He liked being with her this way...it
sort of felt
like she was his. Carly had told him that women
were not men's
possessions, to do with as they pleased, but this made
him feel at least
like she didn't want to be with anyone else. That
was it. Not that she
was his, but that she didn't want to be with anyone else.
He smiled
slightly as they walked.
When they got to the parking lot, Carly took her hands
away from his and
stepped back, beaming. "Did you see?" she asked,
triumphant.
Jason shook his head. "See what? What are
you talking about?" He gave
her a blank stare.
Carly was getting used to these. She laughed a bit,
looking down at the
ground. "The way people looked at us, silly!
They were happy for us.
They thought we were in love!" Carly said these
words with enthusiasm,
but felt a pang of sadness inside that they weren't true.
Jason grabbed Carly around the waist, pulling her into
a hug. Carly was
surprised, but pleased. She let a grin spread over
her face and buried
her face in his chest, breathing in the smell of his
T-shirt. It
smelled like sweat. She remembered he'd been wearing
it since
yesterday. Making a face, she was about to tell
him she would love to
teach him the finer points of a shower when he said something.
"Why would anyone want to be in love?"
Carly's face fell, and she automatically pulled away.
She looked at
him, a mixture of hurt and confusion contorting her pretty
features.
"Why would you say something like that?" she asked, crossing
her arms
over her chest and beginning to walk back toward her
apartment.
Jason had to run to catch up with her. He didn't
know what he'd done to
upset her. This was becoming a pattern with him.
For some reason, she
was the only person he cared if he made upset.
"Carly," he said,
settling in to her pace. "Did I say something to
make you mad?"
Carly shook her head and laughed sarcastically.
"You just don't
understand," she said coldly.
"You're right, I don't," Jason said, feeling like he had
to make her
understand. He didn't know why, but he had to.
He held out his hand,
catching her arm in it and pulling her to a stop.
"No, Carly, I don't
understand. But for some reason I want to.
Carly."
Jason's eyes looked...desperate. Carly was surprised
at this. "What
are you feeling right now?" she asked.
Jason hesitated, thinking. "Um...like the only thing
I want at all is
for you not to be mad at me. I think that means
I have to understand
why you liked people thinking we were in love.
But I don't. You have
to explain it to me."
Carly was right. It was desperation. She felt
triumphant in invoking
this feeling in him. Instead of explaining this
to him, she asked a
question. "Have you ever thought of saying please?"
"Why would I do that?" Jason asked.
"It will get people to do what you want a lot quicker
than if you don't
say please," Carly explained. "When you ask for
something, say please.
When someone gives you something, say thank you."
"Thank you," Jason said, putting a hand on her shoulder
and looking deep
into her eyes.
Carly shrugged away. "For what?" she asked.
Jason was getting to her
again. She had a very hard time staying mad at
him. Okay, so it was
partly because he never actually *meant* to do anything
wrong, and he
really didn't even know when he did, except for her reaction.
The thing
that was getting to her, was that he seemed to *care*
whether or not she
thought he'd done something wrong. He certainly
didn't give a damn what
anyone else thought. Why her? She wanted
to ask him so bad, but knew
he wouldn't know the answer. Carly was beginning
to realize that one
big annoyance with this guy was that she not only had
to analyze for
herself, she had to analyze *his* thoughts too.
She gazed at him, a
smile coming across her lips. She decided the incredible
sex made up
for that minor inconvenience.
"What's so funny?" Jason asked, seeing the smile.
Carly pushed it away again. "I asked you a question.
What are you
thanking me for?" She pushed her hair out of her
eyes, tucking it
behind her ear.
"You're beautiful," Jason said, not even realizing it
was out of his
mouth until it was.
Carly nodded, looking down, forcing herself not to smile.
"You wanted
to thank me for that?" she asked.
Jason shook his head, looking down also. "You give
me stuff all the
time," he said. "You give me answers to questions
I have, you give me
someone to talk to, you give me new things to experience.
You don't
make me feel stupid for not knowing things. You don't
act impatient when
you're teaching me things. You seem to really want
to teach me. Like
when we got hot dogs, I thought that must be the best
thing you've ever
done cause you were so happy. But it wasn't, cause
then you were just
as happy getting ice cream, and all of a sudden *that*
had to be the
thing you ever did. I have no idea why you like
to do these things so
much. That's all."
Carly stared at him, speechless. It was probably
one of the nicest
things anyone had ever said to her. She knew she
couldn't be this nice
person he was describing. But somehow she was.
He was talking about
*her*. Carly's mind was reeling. She couldn't
see anything around her.
It was all Jason. Before she knew what was happening,
she leaned
forward, tilting her head up as she circled her hand
around his neck and
pulled his face down to hers. They met in a soft,
sweet kiss. When
they pulled apart, Jason stood there, looking dazed.
"Let's go," Carly said, pulling him by the hand back to her apartment.
***************************
"Your clothes are almost dry," Carly announced, coming
back into the
apartment from the laundry room. Jason had just
stepped out of the
shower, and stood in the middle of the tiny living room
with only a
towel around his waist. Carly raised her eyebrows
at him, but said
nothing. She flopped onto the bed, picking up the
remote as she did so
and flipping on the television. Jason joined her
on the bed, using the
pillows to prop himself up against the headboard.
Carly gazed at him
from where she was and Jason smiled, opening his arm
to her.
"Come here," he said. "I bet I smell better."
Carly smiled and snuggled up to him, her head resting
on his chest. She
breathed in the now-soapy scent of his clean skin.
She flung an arm
over his stomach, fiddling with the towel rolled around
his waist. They
stayed like that together on the bed for a long while,
Carly flipping
through channels, never staying at one long enough for
Jason to figure
out what was going on. Her television watching
was as restless as her
mind. There was one pattern Jason noticed throughout
the shows. It was
love. Everyone was always talking about it, talking
about making it, or
making it. It looked like sex to Jason. Passionate
sex like they'd had
the night before. But Carly said it was different.
She said making
love was different. But it didn't look different
and Jason was sure it
didn't feel different.
When he mentioned this exact thought to Carly, she sat
up, looking
straight at him. "It *does* feel different," she
said, pouting slightly
then covering it up by getting up to get his laundry.
When she came back, Jason had formulated a few more questions.
"How?"
he asked. Carly shot him a disdainful look and
Jason clarified. "How
does having sex and making love feel different.
It's the same thing."
Carly shook her head, looking down at his clothes which
she was folding
into a neat little pile on the table. "It's the
same act," she
explained, "but it doesn't feel the same. When
you make love with
someone, when you have sex with someone you're *in love*
with, its..."
she paused, trying to find the right words. "It's magical.
It's
beautiful. There's a connection that's more than
just physical.
It's...spiritual."
Jason did not understand a word of this. He didn't
know what was
magical. The only thing he knew was beautiful was Carly
and his secret
spot that he could only get to on his motorcycle.
He had no idea what
it was to be spiritual. He stared at her, hoping
she'd explain in words
he could understand. Nothing about the Quartermaines
was magical,
beautiful or spiritual, and they claimed to love him.
Carly gave Jason a crooked smile from where she stood.
She could tell
he didn't understand. "When you're in love, Jason,
you can't think
about anything but that person. You want to be
with them all the time.
You know you don't need anyone but them. You are
satisfied with the
*whole* person, not parts, but all of them. Everything
that goes with
them. All of their past, good and bad, all of their
hopes and dreams
for the future. All of it. Everything.
They are your life, they are
your heart and your soul." She looked down at her
hands, wringing them
together. A lump was welling up in her throat.
She cleared it, going
to the refrigerator for some water to try to swallow
it down. "I can't
explain it any better than that," she murmured her head
buried in the
fridge.
Jason sat, stunned. What Carly said, about only
thinking about that
person, only needing that person, only wanting to be
with that person,
that's how he felt about Carly. He couldn't possibly
be in love with
her. It wasn't like the Quartermaines. He
didn't want to change her,
he wanted her to be exactly the same. Just like
she'd said. He stared
at her, while she guzzled a bottle of water, still standing
by the
fridge. He had no idea what to say. He knew
he couldn't tell her,
she'd probably tell him he was wrong. He probably
was wrong. he didn't
know why but he had to keep this inside, for now.
Instead of saying anything, Jason got up, and went to
stand by Carly at
the fridge. He put a hand on her back as he felt
goose bumps slither up
his chest and arms from the cold air of the open refrigerator.
He was
still clad in only a towel. Carly turned around,
dangerously close to
him. She looked up at him, tears in her eyes.
Jason was surprised at
this.
"Are...are you okay?" he asked, concern clouding his face.
Carly nodded, but felt herself breaking. As he took
her into his arms,
she couldn't hold back any longer. She sobbed into
him as he held her,
wetting his chest with her tears. She was crying
for all the love she
wanted from people she never got it from. And for
all the love she was
offered by her mother, Virginia, but never took.
She cried for what
seemed like an eternity, the two of them, standing there
in front of the
open refrigerator door, the cold air rushing out but
neither one feeling
a thing.
When Carly finally pulled back, she didn't want to look
up at him.
Instead, she stepped completely away, reaching for a
tissue from the box
on the night stand. She busied herself at the mirror,
trying to salvage
what was left of her makeup. She guessed that the
mascara that wasn't
streaked on her cheeks was streaked on Jason's chest.
She cursed
herself for not keeping herself together.
Jason stood there for a second, looking down at where
she had just been.
He had no idea what it was about, but knew he wanted
to make it better.
Shutting the refrigerator door he grabbed the towel off
the handle and
wiped his chest off with it. He threw the towel
down as he made his way
over to Carly at the mirror. Coming up behind her,
he wrapped his
strong arms around her waist and rested his chin on her
shoulder,
pressing his cheek against hers.
Carly looked at them, together, in the mirror, and almost
started to cry
again. Instead, she covered it up by laughing.
"Did you shave with one
of my razors?" she asked, putting her hand against the
other side of his
face.
Jason looked at her in the mirror and nodded. "I
used a new one," he
said. "And um, some of your foamy stuff."
Carly laughed, it was genuine this time. She quickly grew
serious again
when she saw how intensely Jason was looking at her.
"I'm sorry," she
said, lowering her eyes. "You must think I've gone
completely crazy.
Which you know, probably wouldn't be too far from the
truth, but I've
been accused of worse..."
"Carly," Jason said, cutting her off. "I was just
thinking how
beautiful you are and how much I like your laugh."
Carly smiled again, this time looking down at where his
hands were
clasped around her waist. She put her hands on
top of his, pulling them
apart a bit so she could turn to face him in his arms.
~Sometimes
I feel like I could last forever
Wrapped up
in your arms
One moment
in life expands
And I listen
to your breathing
It's a rhythm
of life beating
Through you
to me and do you see what I see~
Reaching up to his face, Carly put her palms against his
cheeks and held
his face there for a moment, staring at him, reaching
deep into his soul
with her eyes. Slowly, gently, she brought her
face to his for a kiss
that was deep and longing. Jason returned her need,
his hands roaming
up her back and into her hair, pulling her face closer,
deepening their
joining.
~Someone asks
me how I've been
And I say
I'm okay
But how is
your heart and I'll say
I'll say I
found sanctuary~
Carly pulled away, staring at Jason with smoldering eyes.
She grasped
her hand around the towel still at his waist. Using
it, she pulled him
toward the bed, a playful smile on her lips.
~In a sea of
desperate faces
Somewhere
there's hope
In a sea or
angry eyes
There is balance
In a world
of millions you found me
And it makes
me want to dance~
They fell together onto her bed, consumed in nothing but
their passion
and desire for each other.
~Sometimes
I feel like I could last forever
Wrapped up
in your arms
One moment
in life
And I listen
to your breathing
It's a rhythm
of life beating
Through you
to me and do you see what I see~
*************************************************************************************
Song credit: "Sanctuary" by Stewart Lewis from his
CD entitled Flip
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