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Elizabeth Webber sits on the cold
tile floor, her back pressed up against
the side of the bathtub. Her face
resting in her hands, her hair cascades
around her, creating her a dark
shelter from the outside world....... the
world that has just become a little
more vicious...... more
bloodthirsty......... how many
times since, had she thought of purging
herself of that blood....... appeasing
the cruel world and escaping. It
would be so easy........ but she
couldn’t..... she wasn’t going to let that
man win. He had already taken her
emotionally, she would not let him take
her physically...... not again.
Besides, she could never leave Lucky. Just
thinking of him, Elizabeth feels
the rage in her subsiding. He always has a
way of calming her.... so much
so that she has become oblivious to it. She
doesn’t even need to be near him
anymore, simply the mere thought of him
puts her mind at ease, and slows
her blood in her veins. Elizabeth laughes
softly. Actually her blood never
slowes when she’s with Lucky...... in fact,
her heart rate increases ten-fold
when they are close. But it’s a different
kind of racing........ one she
gladly welcomes and is reassured by. She
knows that with Lucky by her side,
her heart will keep beating, her blood
will continue pumping, and that
was why she had been able to begin to heal
her wounds. Elizabeth smiles wistfully.
She had....... she really believed
she had come so far in the short
while since the rape. She can say the word
"rape" without her eyes flooding
with tears of embarrassment and shame. She
can greet someone with a hug without
backing away shaking........ and she
can open up herself to another
person and love, whole-heartedly. And she can
feel loved. Lucky makes her feel
loved.... he makes her feel wanted, and
desired...... but not in a dirty
way. In a way so pure and beautiful she
never felt need to question it.
Elizabeth chokes back a sob. Oh god.......
would he ever feel that way again?
After what she did..... what she had made
herself? She felt like she had
deceived him....... after all the things he
had done for her, his patience,
his devotion........ she had deceived him.
How can she ask him to understand?
She had already over-indulged in his
patience..... god, how long had
she kept him at arm’s length? Asking him to
kiss her and then denying him......
She closes her eyes against the memory.
It had caused him such pain......
he didn’t let her see it of course, but
she knows it did....... it had
made him fearful, and in the end stalled
their own intimacy. It saddened
her, but she was grateful she got to make
the first move...... so she knew
when they finally did kiss, that it was not
a favor, it was no one’s duty......
just love. The first kiss of many to
follow...... small gestures of
love each replacing a moment of pain. She
knew she was in love........ not
the kind of love the kids at school claimed
to be in with their boyfriend of
the week.... no this was real. She still
feels it grow for Lucky everyday,
amazed that she can love him anymore than
she already does......... The way
a mother’s love grows for a child as her
belly swells with it’s growth.......
Elizabeth lurches forward, a wave of
nausea hitting her full force.
She has to look sooner or later...
Lucky watches anxiously as the bathroom
door opens and Liz stumbles out. Her
petite hands grab the doorframe
fiercely in an attempt to steady herself.
Her disheveled hair falls down
around her shoulders, framing her
tear-stained face.
Lucky’s heart falls to his stomach.
He already knows what she is about to
say......
"Lucky........ I’m pregnant........"
Lucky rushes to Liz, enveloping her in his arms.
"Oh god........... oh baby, I’m so sorry........."
He squeezes her tightly, his own
tears mingling in her hair. She presses her
face into the crook of his neck,
a series of sobs racking her body. Lucky’s
hand runs reassuringly up and down
her back. He wants nothing more in the
world than to erase her pain....
return to that fateful night so long ago
and take her to the dance.... His
voice drops to a hoarse whisper.
"Are........ are you okay?.......Let’s sit down........"
He attempts to guide Elizabeth to
the couch, but she stands, rooted in
place, tears flowing freely down
her face.
"Oh Lucky...... I’m sorry.... I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m........"
She continues to sob out the words
like a mantra, clinging to him like a
drowning person to a life-preserver.
Lucky pulls back, holding her face up
to stare him in the eyes.
"Liz....... Liz look at me........
you have *nothing* to apologize
for.....it’s not your fault...it’s
the bastard who did this to you......it’s
his fault and only his fault........"
As he speaks, he leads her to the
couch where they sit down. Lucky
contemplates his hands, occasionally
glancing over at Liz. After several
moments he reluctantly breaks the
silence.
"Liz...... uh... I ...... How is
this possible?...... I mean...... I..... I
thought you took the..... the morning
after pill....."
Elizabeth bolts up from her seat,
and distances herself as far as she can
from him across the room. Lucky,
startled by her sudden mood-swing, sits
frozen on the couch.
"Look I didn’t take it alright?!
I just........ I just couldn’t....... I
know I’m not any catholic schoolgirl
or anything, but I just.........."
She turns away from him, unable
to continue. Her hand clamps over her mouth
as another wave of nausea rolls
over her. Lucky watches silently from the
couch, and after a few moments,
stands, and cautiously walks up behind her.
When she makes no protest, he wraps
his arms protectively around her.
"I’m sorry...... Elizabeth honey,
I know you had your reasons...... I’m just
trying to understand......"
"I don’t know why.... I just, couldn’t..........
I mean, I had it in my hand
and I just..... I don’t know.....
Life was so messed up, and I looked at it
and thought ‘what if I’m doing
the wrong thing?’ I mean...... I just knew I
wasn’t thinking straight....and
what if I did it, and that wasn’t what I
wanted?!....I mean, this man had
just taken my life, without a second
thought about me, just himself.......
and I don’t know.....I mean, I know it
’s not the same but...... I just
had to think about that potential of a
person.......... I don’t know.......
Besides, I guess I just always figured
if there was a God he wouldn’t
let this happen to me....... now I know there
isn’t......"
Lucky closes his eyes at her final
words. He can actually feel his heart
sinking a little further by each
passing moment. He hasn’t heard this level
of despair in her voice for a long
time..... it was the hopeless, but not
self-pitying tone that made his
heart twist painfully in his ribcage.
"Liz........."
He stops, completely at loss for
words. He’s never considered himself a very
religious person........ closest
he came to praying was ‘please god let
there be an extension on my term
paper....’ He has never even broached the
subject of faith with Liz, he’s
never felt the need or desire to. But from
her words, it is clear she needed
to talk about it....... He sighs, making a
mental note of it.
"Look Liz, we don’t need to talk
about this right now....... Why don’t you
go lay down, you’re probably exhausted."
Elizabeth untangles herself from his arms, spinning to face him.
"Exhausted?! That makes sense!......Well
isn’t exhaustion a symptom of early
pregnancy?!"
Lucky watches her, his eyes bore
into hers, unnerving her. He pauses, trying
to keep his voice at a soothing
calm.
We shouldn’t jump to any conclusions.....
the test could be wrong.... we
should go to GH....."
Her eyes involuntarily widen, and
she makes no attempt to hide her panic as
she backs away from him.
"NO!"
Lucky feels his chest constrict,
and he closes his eyes, unable to look at
her expression of absolute horror.
"Liz.........."
"NO! I can’t go there! What will they think?! God......."
"It doesn’t matter what other people think......"
"IT DOES TO ME! I’M THE ONE THEY’LL
STARE AT....... I’M THE ONE THEY’LL
PITY!!"
The silence descends upon them,
leaving the words hanging cold in the air.
She walks over to the window, attempting
to focus on anything but the
current conversation. The wind
is gentle, just barely stirring the
leaves....... They are green now,
but the autumn breeze will come, chilling
the air, and turning the leaves
brilliant shades of red, orange, and yellow,
signaling the arrival of fall.......
and her return to school. She feels the
familiar knot begin to form in
the pit of her stomach. How is she going to
be able to face Mr. Murty? She
has been asking herself that same question
ever since that horrible day a
month ago when he learned of her allegations,
and she learned of his air-tight
alibi...... She snorts softly remembering
the scene.... his shock and offense
to her unsubstantiated accusations, and
her humiliation when she literally
shook hands with his alibi........ his
"life partner". That day she officially
gave up her search for her
rapist..... she moved on. She knew
back then that she’d always carry him
with her emotionally....... but
now she knows she’s carrying a piece of him
physically.....
The nausea once again attacks her
stomach and she swallows convulsively at
the feeling. She’s vaguely aware
that Lucky is still standing behind her
shifting his feet uncomfortably
on the other side of the room. ‘He’s waiting
for you to say something......
he’s letting you make the first move....’
Typical of their relationship......
She turns around, staring hard at the
floorboards. Her loss of control
and the pure injustice of the whole thing
catches up with her, and she feels
the anger begin to bubble up inside her.
She grits her teeth attempting
to keep herself from losing it completely.
"I wanted it to stay...... I didn’t
want people to know..... I don’t want
people to stare, and whisper, and
tiptoe around me....... I just...... I
didn’t want people to know about
the rape."
Lucky stares at her, his mind going
in a hundred different directions. One
thought focuses in his head, and
a look of fierce determination conquers his
features.
"Then they won’t........"
She stares at him a moment, completely
at a loss for his meaning.
Realization dawns on her, and she
looks away quickly.
"Lucky.... I ......... I haven’t decided what I want to do yet........"
"I know."
The confusion returns to her face and she steps closer to him.
"Lucky, what........"
"I’ll be the father."