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"Lucky....... what......... what?"
"I’ll be the father..............
look, let’s sit down and talk about
this......."
Liz nods her head stunned. She feels
Lucky put his hand on the small of her
back, and she allows herself to
be led to the couch.
"Yeah....... I think I need to sit down....."
Once seated, Lucky takes her hands in his. He looks at her expectantly.
"Are you sure you’re ready to talk about this?"
She glances at him knowing this
is going to be one of the most difficult
discussions she’ll ever have in
her life. She sighs and steadies herself.
"As ready as I’ll ever be.........."
"Okay........ There’s three options...........
abortion, adoption,
and........ keeping it....... The
last two you have time to decide
between...... but if you’re......
not keeping it.... than you haffta decide
kinda soon ‘cause...... you’re...
running..... out of time......."
Elizabeth shuts her eyes, allowing
a tear to escape. Lucky’s hand raises and
he brushes away the tear on her
cheek with his thumb. His hand slides around
behind her head and he pulls her
close, so their foreheads are touching.
"Whatever you decide..... *whatever*.......
I am here behind you 100%....
always...."
Her face scrunches up, and tears
stream unchecked down her cheeks. She nods
against his forehead. She tries
to speak, but finds she can only force a few
words through in a hoarse whisper.
"I know....."
Lucky pulls back, his hand is still
resting on the back of her neck. His
eyes are staring at her with an
intensity she can feel through her closed
eyelids.
"Do you?"
She leans back. Her eyes open and
lock with his. She looks back at him, her
eyes displaying the same amount
of emotion if not more.
"I love you Lucky Spencer."
Her lips come up to brush against
his, lightly tasting the salty tears
resting there. She leans back,
reconnecting with his eyes.
"I know."
A small smile tugs at his mouth
as he absorbs her words. He instantly feels
regret for pushing this issue.
"Maybe we should talk about this later.........."
Liz inhales deeply. She needs get
this out and over with. She takes a moment
to construct her determination.
"No...... no, let’s talk about this now."
Lucky hesitates a moment. He can’t
decide if this is a brave front or just
the honest determination that he
has always loved in Lizzie....... Finally
deciding it’s safe, he proceeds
cautiously.
"Alright........ Then there’s adoption......"
"How can I do that Lucky?! Everyone would find out I was raped!"
"Not necessarily..... We could leave
Port Charles..... skip town until after
the baby’s born...... no one would
have to know you’re pregnant."
She looks down at the floor unable
to look into his hopeful face. He’s
trying so hard to find a solution
to a problem that still feels
surreal...... Sure nobody would
have to know of her pregnancy.... he had
just given her two suggestions
that would see to that..... but she would
still have to know, and there isn’t
a solution in the universe that would
take care of that burden..... She
shakes her head trying to clear her
thoughts, but only ends up thinking
of another reason running wouldn’t work.
"Remember the last time we ‘ran
away’ together? Gram frieked, and we were
still in the *city*..... I don’t
think she’d be much more understanding in
this case......"
"Well, your Grandmother could know
the truth...... she knows what
happened...."
"No! She can’t know........ She
didn’t let me deal with the rape the way I
wanted, I highly doubt she’d respect
any decision I make regarding
the......."
She trails off..... She can’t bring
herself to say the word "baby". If she
says it, it’s the real thing. She
feels foolish thinking that by not
acknowledging the baby it doesn’t
exist, but it seems to be something that
she can’t control right now, and
she decides to keep going. Hopefully Lucky
won’t notice....
"Besides, she wouldn’t let me leave
town..... and people would be suspicious
if we just disappeared."
"Then we’d think of a story........ it’s just an idea.... an option...."
Lucky pauses. He’s confident in
his final idea, but he’s not sure how Liz
will take to it. He knows Elizabeth
well enough to know her first concern
will be him, and his full knowledge
of what he’s suggesting. He shifts on
the couch so he can regain full
eye contact with her. She needs to see he’s
serious.... that he has no doubts.
"And if.... if you decide........you...
want to keep the baby....
then........ then I’ll take responsibility....
we can say I’m it’s
father....."
She jumps to her feet, suddenly
animated. Her feet take her across the room,
where she pauses, trying to collect
the thoughts racing through her head.
She was just beginning to believe
she had heard him wrong the first time,
and here he throws it on her again.
She spins around to face him.
"Lucky...... I ......... I can’t
let you do that!..... I can’t let you throw
your future away because of me......"
Lucky watches her calmly from his
seat on the couch. He was expecting this.
He rises slowly to stand eye-level
with her, maintaining his intense eye
contact with her. They have always
had a way of communicating with each
other wordlessly. He prays she
can see his sincerity now.
"You are my future..... you’re the
one I’m gonna marry someday..... you’re
the one I’m gonna have kids with.....
grow old with....."
He takes a step closer to her.
"So maybe we do things a little
out of order..... a little earlier than
planned....... it doesn’t matter
as long as I have you...... you make me
happy.... content......everything
else is insignificant."
"No it’s not! It’s your reputation.....
your honesty! Your honesty
Lucky!......... How could I ask
you to lie like that?! How could you lie to
your family? What would they think!?......."
Lucky shakes his head, and rolls his eyes.
"Elizabeth, you know I don’t give a damn what my family thinks........"
Elizabeth stiffens at the comment.
Her and Lucky rarely talk about his
family problems anymore. After
he had moved back in with his parents for
her, she knew she couldn’t push.....
though god knows she wants to, it’s
still a sensitive issue, and she’s
learned to be grateful for Lucky’s mere
‘tolerance’ of Luke and Laura.
It still hurts her to see him in the current
situation...... the way he lives,
he’s more like a tenant in their home than
their son..... so much so that
she has started to notice he never calls it
‘home’. He always refers to it
as ‘the house’ or back ‘there’.........
"But Lucky, *I* care what they think...........
Besides, they’re some of the
few people who know I was raped.....
Bobbie’s the one who gave me the
pill....... They’ll either know
it is *his* or they’ll think we slept
together right after I was raped!......
That’s just....."
Her hand flies to her mouth, stopping
the words. Lucky stands across the
room, suppressing the urge to run
to her and capture her in an embrace. He
needs to let her work through this......
he can’t carry the weight for her.
"We’d have to tell them you got
pregnant just before the rape.... that we
knew already, and that’s why you
never took the pill........"
Liz turns, pacing the length of
the room. The whole idea just seems to
ludicrous to work, and thinking
about the implications is making her panic.
"God Lucky....... do you know what
a big lie this is?! How many people it
would affect? I mean...... the
baby! How do you lie to a child about who it’
s father is?!"
Lucky feels the familiar cold feeling
take grasp of him. The conversation is
entering territory he tries to
avoid at all costs. A few words and he can
already feel the anger boiling
inside him. He clenches his jaw, trying to
control it.
"I don’t know..... why don’t you ask my dad? He was pretty good at it......"
Liz pauses. Talking about Luke with
Lucky was like entering a mine
field..... you had to be careful
where you stepped and watch that you don’t
cross your boundaries...... and
if you were in it, there’s no turning
back....... She takes a deep breath,
attempting to steady her voice.
"Lucky, it’s not the same. Your
parents didn’t lie to you about your
paternity..... you don’t know how
it would feel......."
"No but I do know what it feels
like to learn your father is a rapist......
and trust me, you wish to god your
paternity was a lie!"
Liz feels the ground deep beneath
her. She is on sensory overload, and
dealing with Lucky’s rationale
right now is too much. She turns back to the
window, trying to focus on the
slow movements of the leaves in the breeze.
She needs the world to stop.....
just come to a complete halt.
"I don’t want to talk about this anymore."
Lucky opens his mouth argue, but
stops when he remembers the whole reason
for the conversation. He nods his
head, even though he knows she can’t see
him.
"Alright........ we don’t have to talk about this right now.........."
He approaches her slowly from behind
and snakes his arms around her waist,
pulling her close to him. He can
feel a slight bulge in her stomach, and his
breath catches in his throat. How
did he miss that before?..... Maybe he
knew, but just didn’t want to admit
it to himself...... He squeezes her
tighter.
"It’ll be okay........."
Elizabeth sits on her bed in silence.
The sunlight is just beginning to
stream through her window, casting
shadows across her room. She’s been
studying her shadow since it first
began to appear. It seemed like the most
neutral thing she could focus on,
but is quickly finding it a lot more
complicated than she thought........
it’s a replica of her, only darker.....
it can’t speak, it can’t see....
all it can do is mimic the actions of
life..... She finds herself sympathizing
with it, knowing how it feels.....
She was a shadow of a person after
the rape, moving through the actions of
life systematically....... eating
when her hand picked up a piece of food,
sleeping when her eyes shut, talking
only when spoken to...... She wipes at
the tears on her cheeks realizing
she doesn’t just empathize with her
shadow, but she envies it......
while it too exists on this earth, it feels
nothing........ not pain or sadness
or anger..... it doesn’t have to sustain
it’s self to exist.... to take
care of itself...... it just is.....
Elizabeth closes her eyes and lays
back down. She knows she can’t sleep,
even though it would be her one
greatest wish..... to sleep, and not wake
up. She feels the shame and self-loathing
creeping up on her at the thought.
What she really wants makes her
feel guilty and she’s ashamed that she keeps
wishing something so horrible....
but still, she finds herself laying
deathly still on the bed praying
to slip into a coma, or have some sort of
mental breakdown that would leave
her catatonic...... yes, that would be
nice..... to just retreat into
herself until she could find a way to deal
with the outside world--until all
this was over...... oh to just lay
oblivious to everything.... ignorance
is bliss isn’t it? No expectations,
nothing...... It’s so tempting,
and she finds herself growing annoyed at her
body’s unwillingness to cooperate.
She sits up abruptly. She needs
to stop thinking like that. It’s a battle
she’s been waging since Lucky left
a few hours ago, and the only conclusion
she’s drawn is she doesn’t want
to die, but she doesn’t want to live.......
So what does that mean? Should
she start running with sharp scissors? Cut
the low-fat foods out of her diet?
Stop wearing sunscreen and run slippery
pool decks?
She stands up, leaning on her bed-side
table. She doesn’t really trust her
legs to work right now, but she
has to move. She has to remind herself that
she’s alive. Her feet move slowly,
deliberately.....heel to toe, heel to
toe...... and soon she finds herself
across the room. She looks up and is
shocked to see someone else in
her bedroom with her. It’s a girl about the
same age as herself. Her brown
hair is pulled back into a messy ponytail,
and the dim light accentuates her
pallor. Dark bags hang under her wide
eyes--she looks petrified.....
Elizabeth studies the girl, the hammering of
her heart slowing dying down. She
reaches out, touching the mirror,
verifying it’s really herself she’s
staring at....... only it’s not.... it’s
the same girl she saw looking back
at her after the rape, only she had
bruised arms then....... but the
same haunted look is there in the eyes. And
now Elizabeth can detect a slight
swelling of her stomach....
Elizabeth feels her legs giving
way under her, and she slowly descends to
the floor. She turns away, unable
to stand the sight of her reflection any
longer. She leans back against
the mirror, her eyes slowly scanning the
room..... stuffed animals, posters,
a jewelry box.... all memorabilia of her
life "before". She closes her eyes
instinctively against the sight.....
seeing them now makes her jealous
of the life she used to have.... the time
she had before the monster came
and took over her life..... the nameless,
faceless man who, in a matter of
minutes, took complete control of her.....
her personality, the way she dressed,
the way she interacted with others,
where she went, what she did, what
she thought........ And just when she
started to regain a little control,
she learns something like this..... that
he still has a way of controlling
her life..... him and this new person
invading her body. Her gaze travels
down to her stomach and she stares at it
like the very devil is inside.
She wants to run away from it like she couldn
’t from it’s father that night......
but she can’t. It’s inside her......
not just physically, but emotionally,
and there’s no escape......
She places her had over her stomach
acknowledging it’s presence. It’s a
piece of him..... *inside her*.....
The thought makes her nauseous and she
attempts to clear it out of her
head, but she can’t. She wants to rip her
body open and tear him out......
extract him from every cell of her body and
every facet of her memory.
Elizabeth slowly lowers herself
so she is laying on the floor. She draws her
knees protectively up to her chest.
The word "options" is ringing in her
ears and she laughs humorously
to herself. What options did she have when
that man raped her? When he left
her emotionally destroyed and pregnant?
Could she have chosen something
different? Could she have said "I don’t want
to be raped" or "just kill me"?
Could she have said "I don’t want to get
pregnant" or......
A sudden realization crashes over
her and her breath leaves her in a whoosh.
She could have stopped this......
She could have stopped this before it got
this far..... before she even knew
about the baby. All she would’ve had to
do is swallow that pill.........
a matter of seconds.... an action she’s
performed hundreds of times.......
so simple..... Why did it seem so
difficult then? Did she really
believe it’d be easier now?
She squeezes her eyes tightly shut,
willing herself to disappear... to lose
consciousness.. to go catatonic........
anything to fall into that sweet
oblivion she so desperately desires.
Days like this, I don't know what
to do with myself
All day -- and all night
I wander the halls along the walls
and under my breath
I say to myself
I need fuel -- to take flight --
And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves,
in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of
my oblivion
She inhales deeply, trying to muster
the strength to cry or scream... but
she can’t. She can’t feel angry
or sad, scared or upset. Her emotions are
mixed into a gray area, and all
she feels is numb.
Which suits her just fine.
Is that why they call me a sullen
girl -- sullen girl
They don't know I used to sail
the deep and tranquil sea
but he washed my shore and he took
my pearl
And left an empty shell of me
And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves,
in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of
my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of
my oblivion
It's calm under the waves in the
blur of my oblivion
Lyrics are from the song "Sullen
Girl" by Fiona Apple
Lucky sits deep in contemplation.
His elbows rest on his knees, his hands
are laced together in front of
him. His head hangs low reflecting his mood,
and a stiff neck from a poor night’s
sleep. He feels especially vulnerable
being in his house. He never sits
in the living room anymore.... in fact, he
never sits in the house..... By
spending more than a second in there, he
risks a confrontation with his
parents...... thankfully they aren’t home
right now. Truth be told, he’s
dreading going to see Elizabeth....... seeing
her in pain kills him. He feels
so useless, like all he can do is sit back
and watch as that man violates
her all over again. He isn’t sure how he can
help..... at least when it was
just the rape, he knew that supporting her
and protecting her was enough.....
and he had been able to vocalize his
thoughts to someone else..... he
had someone to confide in........ his dad.
He cringes at the memories-- him
in his dad’s office, crying, telling him
how much he hated what this coward
had done to Elizabeth, asking for advice,
his dad’s "sensitive, caring, listening
and advice". And here it turned out
his only confidant was a rapist
and a liar...... Lucky closes his eyes
disgusted. The lies, the excuses......
it makes him want to vomit. And they
just want him to forget? How can
he? He can’t. But they don’t understand
that....... He can’t explain it.
It’s better just to leave it at that. He
needs to stay focused and strong
for Elizabeth.
His poor angel Elizabeth........
She doesn’t deserve this........ she didn’t
deserve any of the hardships she’s
had to endure. She’s entitled to
everything good there is to offer......
and more. She deserves all the
happiness and love in the world......
a future so bright it blinds the
people around her....... a future
of pure ecstasy.
"Lucky?"
The voice slices through his thoughts
and he jumps to his feet suddenly. The
effect is dizzying, and he sways
slightly before steeling himself. Laura
watches from the doorway, the concern
evident on her face. Luke stands
behind her, his arms full of grocery
bags. He shifts slightly, and the
crinkling of the paper breaks the
silent trance. Laura takes a tentative
step inside. She takes in Lucky’s
defensive posture and walks slowly towards
him, a weak smile pasted on her
face.
"You okay? You seemed a million miles away when we came in........"
Lucky breaks his stare from her
and looks away. He relaxes a bit, and his
shoulders slump.
"Yeah, fine."
Laura looks over to Luke, a questioning
expression on her face. He leans
against the dining room table and
shrugs his shoulders. These days he has no
idea what is going through his
son’s head...... he’s given up trying to
guess.
Laura turns back to Lucky and sighs.
She’s determined to get through to him.
She doesn’t know how much longer
she can take this distance between them.
"Lucky, you know you can talk to us if you have something on your mind."
Lucky focuses his stare across the
room. He laughs bitterly at her comment.
He can barely contain his disgust
and frustration at her feeble attempts and
this one has hit a sensitive spot.
He slides his gaze over to Luke, his eyes
narrowing in antipathy. He feels
a wave of repugnance rise inside him, and
he finds he wants to be openly
caustic, impudent....... His mouth twists
into a satirical smile as he watches
his father shift uncomfortably under
his cold stare.
"Confide in you? Huh...... Funny,
last time I did that I believe I learned
something that was...... how did
you put it? Over my head? It’s kinda funny
how I land myself in problems like
that....... God, I’d be afraid to learn
how you could relate your life
to this one."
Luke studies his son, eyebrows drawn
together in a mixture of concern and
annoyance..... and a little sadness.....
even though he had grown accustomed
to his son’s acrimonious words,
it still hurts him. And the fact that his
son won’t confide in him when he’s
obviously in pain is feeding his
self-hatred. He wants to help Lucky
but he can’t. He’s lost his son’s trust
and respect..... now all he can
do is stand back and take Lucky’s rage.
Laura reaches out, placing a hand
on Lucky’s shoulder. She feels him tense
under her touch, and she closes
her eyes, forcing down the frustration. Her
head is telling her to remain calm
and focus on his last few words.
"Lucky..... What do you mean ‘problems
like that’? You have a problem that’s
over your head?"
Lucky’s gaze returns to the opposite
wall, and he clenches his jaw to keep
from screaming. He can hear his
heart beating in his ears, and he’s sure
they must be able to hear it too.
He needs to get out of here-- he needs
out.
Lucky starts for the door, and Luke
is in front of him in nothing flat. His
hand rests on his chest, holding
him back, and the two stare at each other,
each offering a silent challenge.
"I believe your mother asked you a question...."
"Ahh....... how noble of you dad!......
A king among men! Defending your
lady’s honor..... that’s very romantic."
Luke inhales deeply. It’s taking
all his strength not to just shake the hell
out of the boy.
"What kind of trouble are you in?"
Lucky stops, the last hints of sarcasm leaving his voice.
"Nothing I can’t handle."
The answer catches Luke off-guard
and Lucky takes the opportunity. He
brushes past him and out the door.
He is just becoming aware of the silence
his departure left in the house
behind him, when the door slams shut with a
gratifying thud.
Next Part
Fumbling...
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