a phantom of delight

Rupert Giles sat at the counter in the library, reading with abject fascination "Interview with the
Vampire".  He could not believe how good it was.  "It's amazing," he said quietly.  Who would have ever
thought that he would actually enjoy a novel about a vampire?  He had been reading it since he had
arrived at the library that morning and was very near the end when Melissa, Buffy, and Willow walked
in with Spike, Angel, and Xander following closely behind and Drusilla, as usual, lagging behind.  The
six coupled people were laughing and joking while Dru looked around, feeling out of place.  Giles
looked up from his book only long enough to tell them all to be quiet and then quickly started reading
again.  When he finished, he closed the book with a slam and smiled broadly.  "I can't believe none of
you ever told me about this book before!" he exclaimed to his young charges.
    "Uh-oh," Melissa laughed.  "Looks like we've made ourselves another Rice junkie.  Giles, I didn't
think this was exactly your kind of book.  I always thought you went for something more like 'The
Anatomy of a Demon' or something.  I never pictured you as the vampire novel type."
    "First of all, 'The Anatomy of a Demon' is an excellent and informative book.  Secondly, I am allowed
to read more than one kind of book!" Giles protested.  "And, by the way, how could you say that you like
Lestat?" Giles asked, turning towards Willow.  "He is a cruel and terrible monster.  He is downright
monstrous to poor Louis."
    "Louis?" Drusilla exclaimed in disbelief before she could stop herself.  When everyone turned to look
at her she lowered her eyes.  When she raised her head they were all still staring at her so she
continued, "Louis is pathetic.  Instead of dealing with the fact that he's a demon now, he insists on trying
to be as human as possible.  Besides, Louis is the one who tried to kill Lestat.  Why isn't that horrible?"
    "I, I just think that Louis is a better person than Lestat," Giles stammered, somewhat taken aback by
Drusilla's statement.  She rarely said what she was thinking and it had surprised him.
    "I think you'll change your mind after you read the next one," Melissa said, trying to break the tension
in the room.  "Lestat becomes a much more sympathetic character in the second book."
    Spike and Angel were both still staring at Drusilla.  "You're still not over him, are you?" Angel asked
her, smiling softly.
    "Please, Angel.  I was never in love with him.  I just liked him.  He was fun, unlike most vampires I
knew.  He also didn't act like I was made out of glass," she answered, looking up at Angel.
    "Dru, you were insane.  They didn't want to send you over the edge," Melissa defended her
boyfriend and her friend.
    "I know that.  Lestat didn't care, though, and it felt nice.  I just miss him, okay?  I am not in love with
him.  I've only loved two men in my life and they both happen to be in this room," Drusilla said
defensively.  "That's not even a lie," she thought to herself.  "They just don't know which two."
    Melissa winced slightly at these words, feeling her usual pang of guilt.  She loved Drusilla beyond
reason and never wanted to hurt her.  And yet, she did every day because she had taken Spike away.
"Dru," she said, hugging the woman who had practically raised her.  "I'm sorry," she whispered into
Drusilla's ear so that only she could hear.  "I never meant to hurt you."
    Drusilla hugged Melissa tightly and then released her.  "Don't feel bad," she said.  "It's not your fault.
It's just the way things worked out.  I'm happy for all of you.  Now, I have to go eat," she said, preparing
to leave.
    "Wait a moment, Drusilla," Giles stopped her.  "Have you heard anything else from Pandora?"  She
had contacted Pandora the night before after she returned from the cemetery.  The other vampire had
been helpful, promising to keep an eye out for anything suspicious.  She had also promised to prevent
Marius from killing Drusilla.
    "Not yet," Dru answered, happy to be needed for something.  "She was supposed to go to see Lestat
tonight and report back to me.  We'll see what happens."
    "Isn't there a way that either you or Melissa could just look directly into Lestat's mind?  Wouldn't that
be faster?" Xander asked, impatient to find out who exactly was a threat to Willow.
    "It would be faster, but it would also probably be deadly," Drusilla answered sadly, understanding his
anxiety.  "Lestat has walls as thick and strong as stone in his mind.  Breaking through them would
definitely take every ounce of strength Melissa has.  It might be a little easier for me normally, but not
now.  Now I wouldn't even begin to attempt it.  If you'll excuse me, I need to go eat," she concluded,
picking up her bag.
    The group in the library watched her leave, and as the doors closed and they heard the clacking of
her shoes on the floor outside the library Xander asked the question most of them had asked
themselves.  "What did she mean by that?"
    "She's weak," Melissa answered quietly.  She hadn't wanted to tell Spike; she had, in fact, hoped he
wouldn't notice.  Drusilla had asked her not to say anything and she had agreed.  "She doesn't kill
anymore, and the little blood that she does drink is barely enough to keep her alive.  Just contacting
Pandora last night nearly drained her," she said, a tear slipping down her cheek.  She had begged Dru
to go kill somebody to regain her strength, but she had refused.  Melissa was fairly sure that this was
how Drusilla planned to commit suicide, and there was nothing she could do about it.
    "You're saying she doesn't kill at all anymore?" Spike asked incredulously.
    "That's what I'm saying.  Why?"
    "Well, I just assumed that was what she did at night when she said she was going to the bathroom.  I
figured she drank some out of the bottle then killed a cat or something.  Are you saying she doesn't
drink fresh blood ever?"
    "Yes, William.  I wasn't supposed to tell you, though.  Will you talk to her anyway?  She wouldn't listen
to me.  Tell her that I'll buy her some animals if she'll promise to kill them."
    "If she doesn't go out to hunt at night, where does she go?" Spike questioned.  "She's gone way too
long to just be drinking the blood in a bottle."
    "She goes to the cemetery," Buffy answered, looking up from the conversation she was having with
Willow and Xander.
    "What?" Spike asked.
    "Willow and I saw her go into the cemetery a few nights ago."
    "Why didn't you tell us this sooner?  What does she do there?" Spike asked, concern for his friend
and former lover washing over him.
    "I didn't know it was important and I don't know what she does there," Buffy answered.
    "Let's go," Spike and Melissa said simultaneously, grabbing their jackets.  The entire group, including
Giles, followed them out the doors of the library and then out the exit of the school.  They formed a
parade to the cemetery.

*****
    Drusilla walked quietly through the gate of the cemetery, closing it gently behind her, and made her
way slowly to Jenny's grave.  When she finally reached it, she couldn't just place the flowers there as
she had every night.  She didn't feel like apologizing tonight.  Perhaps it was the weakness or perhaps it
was the fact that she was still annoyed with Angel for what he had implied about Lestat.  She just felt
peevish.  Staring at the grave, she finally gave voice to the emotions she had tried to repress for the past
several weeks.  "I hate you," she said, with more force than she thought she possessed.  "Yes, that's
right.  I hate you.  A man, a good man, loved you more than anything else in the world, and you broke
his heart.  Twice.  Okay, so the second time wasn't really your fault, but that's not the point," she added,
shaking her head.  "If I had somebody who loved me that much, I would never hurt him.  But do I?  No.
Aside from Melissa, there's not even anyone in the world who cares whether I live or die.  What did I do
to deserve that?  Meanwhile, you had a whole group of people who loved you, and you betrayed them.
Did that stop them from loving you, though?  Of course not!  They still mourn you.  Did you know that
Rupert comes here every week to see you and that you are practically the only thing that makes him
happy?  Do you even care?  I doubt it."

*****
    As the group approached the cemetery, Giles' thoughts wandered to the morning before when he
had gone to see Jenny.  Picturing her grave, something clicked in his mind and he stopped suddenly.
"Oh my God," he breathed softly.  When the others stopped and turned towards him, he looked up.  "I
know what she does here every night."
    "What?" Angel asked him quickly, as concerned as Spike was for Drusilla's safety.
    "She's putting flowers next to Jenny's grave," Giles answered, his amazement showing plainly on his
face.
    "Are you sure?" Spike asked, incredulous.  "I didn't think she particularly cared for the teacher."
    "Somebody has been putting white roses next to Jenny's grave every night for the past two years.
Every time I go, there is a fresh bouquet.  The only way that would be possible is if someone went
every day.  I thought Willow was doing it, but Drusilla leaves every night and is gone for quite a long
time.  If she really does come here every night, I think she is putting flowers next to Jenny's grave," Giles
explained.
    "Well, there's only one way we're going to find out," Melissa called the group back to the task at
hand.  "Whatever she's doing, we need to make sure she's okay.  Right now, she really isn't strong
enough to defend herself against much of anything."  She started walking again, pushing open the gate
to the cemetery, and the rest of the group followed behind.  Trusting Giles' instincts, she headed for
Jenny's grave.  She had never actually been there, but she carefully pulled the location out of Giles'
mind.  There were certain advantages to being telepathic, she thought to herself.  "Like never having to
ask for directions," the thought made her smile, in spite of the seriousness of the circumstances.
    As they neared the grave, Melissa could make out her friend's voice.  "Well, it sounds like Giles was
right," she thought to herself.  She indicated for the rest of the group to remain quiet, and then she
edged closer to the grave.  When she could make out what Drusilla was saying, she stopped and
listened.  She felt a small pang of guilt for eavesdropping, but it quickly passed.  "You're doing this for
Dru," she told herself.
    "Did you know that Rupert comes here every week to see you and that you are practically the only
thing that makes him happy?  Do you even care?  I doubt it," Melissa heard Drusilla say and glanced
up at Giles.  He seemed somewhat taken aback that Drusilla had called him by his first name.  Very
few people called him Rupert anymore.  "I hate you," Drusilla's voice was filled with pain and anger.
"And I'm sorry.  It's my fault you died and it's my fault that he is so heart-broken now.  I never should
have told Angel what you were planning.  He misses you and it's my fault," as she spoke, she pulled a
bouquet of white roses out of her bag and placed it next to the grave.  Then she picked up the two
bouquets that were already on the ground and put them in her bag.  There was no point in leaving
withering flowers next to the grave.  "I'm sorry," she said again and steeled herself to turn around and
face the group waiting for her.  She had heard them walk up, and she faced them with only a slight
quiver in her smile.
    "How much of that did you hear?" she asked them.
    "Just the end," Melissa answered, hating that she had eavesdropped on her friend.  "We heard you
say that you hate Jenny.  We also heard you say that you think it's your fault she died."
    "Okay.  Now what are you all doing here?"
    "Drusilla, you're weak," Melissa said quickly in the most terrified voice she could muster, trying to
shame Dru into submission.  "Please kill something, or someone for that matter, and get some fresh
blood."
    "Absolutely not," Drusilla answered obstinately.  "I told you that I will not kill ever again.  And I asked
you not to say anything to anybody."
    "What did you expect me to do?  Just let you wither and die?  I love you too much to let that happen!"
    "You're the only one who does," Drusilla muttered, turning to leave.
    "What did you say?" Willow, who was closest to her, asked Dru.
    "It doesn't matter," Drusilla answered.
    "Did you say that Melissa's the only person who loves you?  Because that is not true.  Maybe we
don't show it enough, but you're important to all of us.  Do you know how guilty Xander felt last night
when he upset you?  He told me on our way home last night that of all the people in the world, he hates
to see you hurt the most because you've been through so much in life already and you don't deserve
more pain.  I know for a fact that every single person here feels the exact same way.  Melissa and
Spike are in constant pain thinking that they're hurting you.  And Angel pretty much beats himself up
every two seconds for all the pain he's caused you.  We all adore you!" she concluded, hoping that her
speech would have an effect on Drusilla.  Willow agreed with Melissa on this one.  They had to
convince Dru to drink fresh blood or she was going to get too weak.
    "Thank you, Willow," Drusilla smiled at the red-haired young woman.  "I love all of you, too.  I think
I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  I'll be okay, though.  I'm going to go home and rest for a while.  I'll do
some research or something.  Do you have any books I could take home to read?" she asked Giles.
"Mr. Giles?" she asked when he didn't respond.
    "What?" he looked up at Drusilla; he had been staring at Jenny's grave and the bouquet of flowers
propped up against it.  When she repeated her question, he answered, "Of course.  I have some back
at the library that you can read.  You can keep them if you'd like," he added as they slowly started
walking back to the school.
    "Hmm, Giles offering to give away his books," Melissa thought to herself.  "Good sign."
    Giles looked over at Drusilla, whose gaze was pointed resolutely at the ground in front of her, and
mustered up the courage to ask the question that had been in his mind since they had overheard her
conversation with Jenny's grave.  "Why do you hate Jenny?" he asked and then rushed on before he
lost his nerve, "and why do you take flowers to her grave if you hate her?"
    "I started taking flowers to her grave a long time before I started hating her.  Then I just tried to
convince myself that I didn't really hate her.  So, I continued bringing her flowers.  Tonight I was just in a
bad mood," she said, hoping that he would accept it and move on.  He didn't.
    "But that doesn't really say why you hate her.  Plus, you didn't have to leave the flowers tonight.  You
put them there after you told her that you hate her.  Why?" Giles asked.
    "Damn," Drusilla swore to herself.  How was she going to get out of this?  How was she supposed to
explain this?  Was she supposed to tell him that after the past two years of spending every night in the
library with him and the teenagers she had fallen in love with him?  Was she supposed to admit that the
flowers weren't really for Jenny but rather for him?  Would it help him to know this?  "No," she decided
as her mind cast about wildly for some logical explanation for why she would hate the computer
teacher.  Finally deciding on one, she said, "Well, I had already picked the flowers and I didn't see any
reason to waste them, so I put them next to the grave.  And I hate her because I envy her.  I would give
anything to have a life like hers and she wasted it.  I hate her for throwing away love when not
everybody has it," she concluded.  "There," she thought to herself.  "Not only does it sound convincing,
it's also completely true.  You're just leaving out the fact that you hate her because Rupert loved her and
isn't over her and doesn't love you."
    Giles didn't respond, and they walked the rest of the way to the high school in silence, listening to the
laughing group of people behind them.  Xander had told a wildly inappropriate joke and they couldn't
stop themselves from laughing.  Drusilla smiled as she listened to their laughter.  "I do love all of them
so much," she thought to herself.  "They're just perfect."  She sighed contentedly and revelled in the
closeness she felt with them as they made their way back to the high school.

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